I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
I hate thxgiving break now because that totally means I'm not able to have sex for a week.
he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
this mall makes me feel like I just rolled a 9 in jumanji and got the stampede card
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is
Not only does DQ have s'mores shakes, sonic has a hot dog in a pretzel bun, and Wendy's has a burger in a pretzel bun. Important things are happening.
There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
Holy shit, we're married as fuck.
STOP IT RIGHT NOW IM BEING A SINLESS CHILD OF GOD IN BED TRYING TO SLEEP AND YOURE SENDING ME MEMES ABOUT DICKS
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
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