Never again let me pretend to be australian for free booze.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Sex aside I am really scared about Syria...
I gave him a handjob in the uber car. Life is really spiraling downwards.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
I’m a women at a strip club dressed as post Malone
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
Randomize
