The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
dude last night I threw my weed into my back yard. there is now a foot of snow. after an hour I found my weed. if I put that effort into school, i'd have a 4.0.
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
You gave him that scrunchie you made and called it your "sex offering".
I don't think I've ever had this many people offer me blow before. 3 o'clock on a Thursday. I keep good company.
I walk into the pharmacy and I'm like "I need three morning after pills" and the guy was like "uhhhh". All I said was "we didn't plan it, we all just got laid the same night"
Randomize
