There's a girl here with sideburns. I gave her your number, you can thank me later.
just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"
Someone stole a lamp last night.
Looks like taco salad for lunch. I may have died and gone to be better circle in hell than I thought.
I don't think he knows you can have sex sober...
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
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