its preseason football. its like non alcoholic beer. who gives a fuck
im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.
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Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
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They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
You've changed since you got that strap on
I think it's your fault my nipples aren't sensitive anymore.
If you wanna fuck the pudding, fuck the pudding. Just not the chocolate, Im gonna eat that.
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
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