Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
aw he's cute...not in a i wanna rip his clothes off way more of a put him in my pocket and keep him as a pet
And occasionally lick whipped cream off them abs
Exactly.
The panties match.
I'll be right there.
I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
So I've discovered that being hungover at 25 feels the same as being hungover at 24. Happy Birthday to me.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
just woke up and currently drinking copious amounts of eggnog straight from the carton to replenish the electrolytes lost last night
He walked in wearing nothing but a WWF belt and yelled "THE CHAMP... IS... HEEERE!!!"
WHY DID I MAKE A 7 minute video of me eating crackers and cheese when I was high
Send it to me
What kind of friend would I be if I didn't make you hate things you once loved?
Just a couple of adults talking about cum shots at 8am on presidents day
Randomize
