well recently, every guy I have hooked up with has been economy sized
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
I'll take care of you. Just let me pee on this old white person's car first.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
I knew she was the one when we had sex to the halo soundtrack.
Randomize
