You smell like stripper and shame
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He made me cum via FaceTime, then he made me look at his stock investment charts..
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
we were clicking our heels together saying theres no place like home, while the cops were tellin us to call our parents and tell them what happened.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
I wasn't that drunk.
You were calling my cat 'Simba' and holding him up in the air.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
I'm still very high. To be blunt. No pun intended.
Randomize
