Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.
If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up
You coming home soon, man?
HENBARSCLOSE
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
You know, I've never slept in a rug with anyone before you
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
I'm determined to sit on that face.
Needless to say, I did not go home with him cause he kinda resembled a guppy fish.
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
