im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.
The plants looked thirsty. Growing plants need mimosas too.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
i left after you tried to balance a shot of tequila on your head while screaming at the bar tender that you fucked his girlfriend
Just used water from the fish tank for the bong. Thank you fishy.
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
well at least you got laid last nighT. I woke up on a pile of laundry
I'm pretty sure I smell like alcoholism and shame. And it's not a pretty scent.
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
When the paramedic asked Logan how he fell he explained that he was trying to lick his eyeball, missed and tripped over his own tongue.
Randomize
