I'm afraid we're only dating because we're too lazy to look for anyone else.
I mean, he's dancing back and forth between pathetically sad and massively fucking creepy.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.
And one night I got way too drunk and thought he said call me a polish name so I called him Konrad. Now he thinks I cheated on him with a Konrad.
That's my new pick up line call me a polish name
I feel like the devil is trying to impregnate me through my eyeballs.
So much rum. So many feels.
All the party invite said was a date and "21 to drink, 18ish to sleep over"
Just me, my martini, and my backup Martini.
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Come on kid, foreplay is elementary stuff. It's a vagina, not a sphinx.
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
Oh, don't mind me, that's just my vagina rattling.
Randomize
