We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
And then I passed out in my towel and was woken up by my roommate introducing me to her trick for the night.
Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
Maybe I'm just didn't notice and imagined a different penis as a Freudian coping mechanism?
I asked him if we could hang out sometime when we weren't hammered. He said he'd email me his number... that's when I knew I was going to die alone
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
We climaxed at the same time during ain't no mountain high enough. Does it get more cheesy or domestic for a non relationship?
Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!
I checked her ID this morning. Lets just say...she's older than my mom
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