I am drunk as shit eating pancakes. I am not the person to call.
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.
He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.
I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.
Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I was struggling morally, but once I let go, I came pretty hard.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
Randomize
