i think my mom watched the whole time
I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.
She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"
I told people at my moms bar that all I needed to sober up was to get my asshole licked, and I blame you 110%.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
What happens if you die with an erection? Does it stay hard? Disclaimer: I'm high.
Bra is off & I'm snuggled in a pizza. Adulting is good.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
Randomize
