I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
the plan is to continue having sex with all three of them until my birthday, and then once they've given me their presents, they can find out about each other.
You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I was less embarrassed asking him to torrent the teen mom's porn. I'm not gonna ask him to about season 4 of PLL.
This electrician is just ripping my house apart and I'm too hungover to ask questions
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I am going to go back to drinking and listneing to Hanson now. Maybe crying. Or perhaps Full House reruns
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
Remember when I convinced you to watch me eat my sandwich just so you could reuse my plate and save us money on our water bill? I'm so ecofriendly when I'm high
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
