Dual, econ, hell, shiv, aunt, puppy. 1 out of 6. T9 word needs to learn how to cuss like me.
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
he asked me out through an event invitation on facebook, the title read Romantic Dinner For 2
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
just upper decked a verizon store cause they don't cover against "getting phone crushed by a keg." had to pay 175 for a new one
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
Home-made laxative recipe: activia yogurt and tequila shots. Any ratio ought to work.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
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