I just pynch a tree in the face
What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?
Which ones?
Hopefully the semester will be over before she has a breakout. Then I can just avoid the situation entirely
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding
I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was looking at your nipple and it made me think of you
Well I hope so...
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
