The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Five Mah tais Laser and i skill have not drunk dial you
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
We found your brother, passed out, floating in our pool, with a bottle, on a blow up mattress. How did he mange to walk 2 blocks and get into our backyard?
Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It wouldn't have been a big thing. If anything, I woulda apologized to you and cleaned the remote
slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident
Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.
I think he's in need of mouth to penis resuscitation. Which I happen to be certified
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
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