The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
I spent a lot of time in their kitchen cause I was convinced that the living room was gonna fall... Sorry for not warning you about that.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
That's why my New Years resolution was no more blondes. They're all bad news
Two of the boys I banged while living in that house are about to move into it hahhaaha
I'd rather explain to the cops why I'm naked than why I'm drunk.
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
