I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about
Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
He just compared our sex to a grand slam on Wii fitness
You're doing it right
Just had to stop myself from doing a bump on the Disney bus. The struggle is real.
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
Lo siento on account of my penis...
whenever dudes said you had nice tits you'd scream at them "This double push-up bra is full of deceit and lies!"
Randomize
