You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
New discovery: doing the Helen Keller is not as attractive as I thought it would be, in reference to the sex noises.
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.
Ummm I just broke my no puke streak at church
Ya but I plan to getting arrested more towards the end of summer
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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