Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
When they saw it was the 7th inning of the baseball game one took off running for the beer stand while his friend is yelling "BUY THE KEG"!
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
The sense of comroderie I've built with my liver over the course of this semester is beautiful
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
I passed out in all my clothes. like my purse too..and with a cup of water next to me..and my last tweet last night was "Bye."
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
you kept saying "i will not *breathe* regret this *breathe* in the morning *breathe* i just gotta remember *breathe* to BREATHE"
I'm sorry I never said I wasn't coming home last night. To my defense I did type and send a text, only I was too drunk to realize I sent it to the guy I was with instead of you.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
I just baptized you in budweriser and you were cool with it
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