I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.
Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
Waking up at a teachers house is a very confusing thing
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
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