Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
and in the morning, while we were eating breakfast, she was all " i think someone sneezed into my shirt..." she'll never know.
and technically it was a rebound
so lol
and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game
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I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
he was so excited that he found the elusive clitoris. i was like look christopher colombus, just because you found it doesnt mean you knew what to do with it
There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.
found a rock and smashed the sliding glass door. home safe. screen door is locked so we're good.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
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Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Just give me 5 advils and some sunglasses and I'll knock out on this couch no problem.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
I'll be wearing lingerie and holding a bottle of bourbon so pick up whatever food you think goes with that
Randomize