I'm sorry I'm just not ready to become vampire yet
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.
I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
LSD in a sugar cube. Dropped it in my whiskey sour and felt like I was rowing a boat.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome
Im drinking a CAN of bud light at the bar. Do you really think I care anymore?
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