Dude if you're in another zip code it doesn't count
You don't understand. I'm not like you.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
i got excepted to unl lol
You mean "accepted".
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
He's more than prepared to help us move. Dude brought sunscreen, cans of Coke, and Captain Morgan.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
She just lifted up her dress, screamed "This is gonna be a good one!" And pissed on the pole...
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
Randomize
