dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
I just made princess spaghettios..and I wonder why she broke up with me for not being mature enough.
Just told him about my threesome. if that doesn't make him want to date me nothing will.
Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
We're having chugging races with long island ice tea, I won. To often
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
Im coming down to miami this weekend
We shall drink from the everclear river
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
Just found out that his ringtone for me is a train blowing bc and I quote 'I know when you call I'm getting laid'
Your normalization of crazy is frightening.
Dude, I'm telling you, date younger. He brought pizza, made me squirt twice, and then left to immediately go to brunch with his mom.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
Randomize
