everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
i really wish facebook had an app for when you are looking at a chick's photo album, you could just skip to the ones where she and/or her friends are dressed like skanks
Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
Who was that guy I met at your brother's house who had to get stitches in his ass?
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Doing a circuit workout and using a power hour playlist for my 1 minute timers. I am getting old. creative, but old.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Whoever said it shouldn't take a man to make you happy clearly wasn't having sex everyday.
Just beer bonged through a snorkel, add that to the list
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
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