he just texted me two pictures of his dick. i feel i should rethink whatever vibe im obviously giving out
so is it as big as he says?
he put a tube of toothpaste next to it as a reference. it looks legit
i would never do something against you youre the best i ever had
please tell me you did not just intentionally quote drake..
his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.
I DIDNT GET FINGERED
I was rubbed
The amount of guys who just came into the room to give me a high five after hooking up with him was about 5 too many.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
He's not actually Jewish. Turns out he just wears the yarmulke to cover his bald spot.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
At the very least, I mastered a nap while occasionally being dry humped.
Do you want to go soon I'm overthinking life and my butthole again
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Is it sad that I just pissed sitting down so I didn't have to stop eating doritos?
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Randomize
