Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
My underwear smells like fireworks.
yes, the chronicles of narnia is exactly what happens when you do crack inside of a wardrobe.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.
I can't wait to read your obituary.
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
You know your late night booty call was a huge fail when you go back to your car after it's over, and it's still warm.
It’s like I’m living in some alternate wet dream universe right now
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