Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
Doing tuck and rolls down a stair case was not my brightest idea
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
Suddenly I feel like all I did this summer was have sex in our apartment
Haha, I gave you the rest of the cash I had on me and you bought 3 shots for yourself and beer for everybody except me FUCKFACE.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
There's a fine line between kinky and serial killer
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
Randomize
