I just got called an ass for saying no thanks to a Greenpeace solicitor. I don't want the whales to die but I do want Greenpeace to fail. Conundrum.
who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.
Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.
I can pencil you in at 3:30
Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen
I masturbated to my balding thirty-something co-worker last night. I am a new level of lonely.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
So congratulations, your penis has now sent me to urgent care not once, but twice!
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
Jesus better clutch that motherfucking wheel, then.
I'M NOT PUTTING MY TRUST IN JESUS! I'M PUTTING MY TRUST IN YOU!
Randomize
