Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory
i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot
lets call myth busters
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
I'm pretty sure I had my drunk fortune told by a gay Miss Cleo last night. At least it's advice sober me can agree with.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I drunkenly called my ex on Skype last night and didn't talk, just smiled real big at him until I fell asleep.
The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
Totally on the hot mess express last night. Mom said I was passed out on her kitchen floor. Told her I was drinking genuine tea.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
I may be a complete scumbag but even im not willing to spend a grand and sit on a plane for 24 hours just for shrooms and a blowjob
Randomize
