I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
He kept telling me that something was trying to enter this dimension from another universe through his spine...
No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Officially conquered sex on my couch with my dad asleep in the next room
I like how you say "conquered" as if that was your sole mission in life
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
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