you tried to do a keg stand and ended up flipping over it and onto the table
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
I have reverted to folding laundry while watching porn. how much sadder can my life get?
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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