If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less
She just said, "are my livers going to die?"
I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.
You basically told your boyfriend at the time you were going to shit in his hands.
And I meant every ounce of it.
Dude just walked down the street literally wearing nothing but a small box around his waist carrying a case of beer. I want to live here for the rest of my life.
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
nm just hungover. watching movies and roasting marshmallows in bed, over a candle to avoid life
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Hey, you know that marble art statue thing in your bedroom? Hypothetically what would happen if a penis got stuck in it?
too bad burritos don't cuddle back
Did he hurt you? I have a crowbar I can beat his sorry ass with
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
