I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
it was the least impressive dick i've ever seen... and i've changed babies' diapers.
Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
What happened after I vommed in your shirt that I was wearing and threw it out the window on the highway?
Wow! It's so great to hear from you! We all thought you perished in Winepocalypse 2012, man.
Your vagina felt like having sex with thanksgiving mashed potatoes. The best kind of mashed potatoes
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
