i think i may have caused an international incident at the french embassy, just fyi
hahaha how?
its a long story involving a horse trailer and some shrubbery
this coming from the guy that still thinks "pulling out" is a good form of birth control? just walk away
you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
You and I should start a club for people who woke up on outside on a bench with no idea how they got there.
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Why is your name written on my hand surrounded by hearts and a bartenders phone number?
it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I fell on my face, puked, and had to be rocked to sleep in a hammock. I'd say Europe is a success
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
I already popped my bottle of Rose and took my boxers off. No can do muchacho
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