Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
You look at her and you just know the only action she's gotten is from her tampon..
I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.
I just went into a strangers house to have a spoonful of sugar to cure my hiccups, wtf is wrong with me
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
Randomize
