there are so many fish in the see you have left to fuck
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?
Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
I owe a guy a shoe because I threw it over a fence. That is all.
Why do I even exist?
after he went down on me he said he wanted an air freshener for his car scented like my vag. i cant even.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
what's the least obnoxious place that i could barf on the bus?
Just fyi there is a naked girl somewhere in your house. I woke up and she was gone, definitely left her clothes tho
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
Randomize
