i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
you ate dog biscuits in front of my dogs and laughed at them for not have opposable thumbs
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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