I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
while you've been gone this has kinda turned into some sort of fivesome-type thing. just thought i should warn you for when you get back
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.
I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?
He came over to use the microwave, said he needed to heat up some urine.
I have walked into stripper central, but I'm on the street at 1:00 in the afternoon
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
No more pre-dentist shots, I just puked on my hygienist
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
He may not be good for my soul but he’s great for my vagina!
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