Who wears a wallet chain?!
she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
You gave him your vagina and this is what I get in return? This is bullshit!
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Im in the STD packet for new students this year. And im going to be plastered tonight so be forewarned
My dad lost his bandaid somewhere in the turkey. It was a mixture of thanksgiving and an Easter egg hunt
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
I'd like to have a moment of silence for all the dicks she's broken off
Fuck. Totally just had sex instead of studying for econ test in an hour. Gonna get fucked again. HELP ME WITH YOUR EXTENSIVE KNOWLEDGE OF ECON
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
Randomize
