i need gas-x and some way to take back every single thing i did last night.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..
I mean, how many people can say they helped surgically remove something from their body? Other than the guy that got his hand stuck under a rock and cut it off. Doesn't count
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
But how do I turn off the feelings though?
Vodka.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
Last night turned out to be an expensive trip to your house between the ticket and the plan b. (Well I haven't gotten that yet)
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
I'm going to force her to break up with me this week. Tonight I plan to shit the bed. If that doesn't work I'm not sure what's next.
Randomize
