she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
I am watching the CFL at a Hooters in Texarakana. I made a poor life choice at some point that led me here.
Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?
You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.
someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
dude, my ass and shoulder hurt from that kayak last night... note to self: wood planks holding kayak from ceiling do not also hold up a human being
she never specifically said NOT to fuck her boyfriend so technically we can still be best friends
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.
I want "hickeys on my ass" sex
He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.
May the one with the liver that just won't quit win
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
i got home safe but then alex started a fire so now we're at the hospital
Well, we went shopping. He bought me starbucks and ate me out in the change room at target. If that isnt the best post covid first date, I don't know what is
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