did you ever find your cell phone? and your dignity?
Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
i was puking in the toilet, he walked in and to talk to me and started puking in the sink.. Could this be my perfect man??
after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.
I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document
iPhone photo doodle is awesome. I gave my vagina some lazers and sent it to him. He has a whole series waiting on his phone for when he gets off the plane.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
You said that we all need to "head out like a boner through sweatpants and get fucked." Jager night was a success.
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
I did wake up to a random meat and cheese plate next to my bed, that was a thrill.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
You and your dick were a topic of high regard tonight
Randomize
