from now on my penis is your penis
1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.
He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
so i ran into nick. i may be more gay than anticipated
You asked for his ID and then said "I am like a bouncer but for my vagina."
I did not know male screamers existed until now. Good for him. Good for my ego.
I couldn't even tell you how many times I've said "wrong hole" today
Kay so its 9 am whose dumbass is gunna act sober to buy pizza rolls
Dude you promised
He said "I can't believe I had sex with a cat lady". Am I flattered or is this a new low?
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