You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Dear everyone that texted me last night wondering where i was. i ended up face down blacked up drunk before i made it to the party. My bad
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Nothing says Christmas like gin and tears.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
Would I waste your time for mediocre porn?
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
yeah i'm making him "thanks for letting me befriend your toilet" cookies. wanna help? i'm sure you'll be making new friends too.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
