I think about you every night.
I'm sorry.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.
I think we should measure in "bathtubs"
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
I'm kinda surprised he wouldn't be honored to take me back as a fuck buddy.
Sneaking the vodka in was the easy part.. listening to medley of puking in the porta pottys was not
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
