1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?
I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.
so im goin to clemson & my drug dealers goin to penn state. this is the hardest breakup EVER.
please promise me that no matter what happens you will keep me away from the children
Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?
That's the stuff legends are made of
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
We're using joints as your birthday candles
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
What's the procedure for answering a booty call from someone under house arrest?
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
MY GOD DAMN TV STOPS WORKING EVERY TIME I AM THIS FUCKING HIGH. WHY MUST IT TORMENT ME?!
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
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