Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
You just kept shouting "I AM AN ADULT!" until he agreed to carry you home on his shoulders.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
I'm a bit broke right now... Would it be OK if I pay you in champagne and Xanax?
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
i literally have the attention span of a weasel on steroids, but yeah, i know who you’re talking about.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
Randomize
