so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
My mother walked into the bathroom at 345 am while I was splashing in the bathtub with the remnants of her birthday cake all over me... she looked at me and walked out...
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
I AM OVERLY HIGH AND OVERLY AWARE OF MY TONGUE IN MY MOUTH
Am I over stepping my bounds if I ask to fuck in your new bathroom?
It has heated floors
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
i woke up with fake boobs glued on my chest and a large black dildo on my hand. then i had to dress myself and walk home. people saw.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
You don't know what lonely is until you've came in an Arby's Napkin
Seriously I'm not after your cock. It's a nice bonus, like finding $20 in the dryer, but not the reason I hang out with you.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
