i'm pretty sure the devil's penis is california-shaped
oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.
Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
I can't wait to see you again. It will be like when we first started dating- but with less clothes.
hey, so i dont know your name. but im guessing we had sex last night. seeing that you're in my phone as "had sex time thursty thursday guy"
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
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