dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
CAN CRIS ANGEL JUST LOOK NORMAL FOR ONCE?!
I cut you off after you tried to do a shot out of a neti pot, down your nose.
explains the nose bleeds.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Yeah but then he looked at me bleeding on the floor, said oh i guess you need to go to the hospital now, and left
One day, tell me please to stop buying shots when I'm overwhelmed. I might have just broken a tooth
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
i was giving head the other day and thought of your all penis tastes the same quote and couldnt stop laughing
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
Company meeting and there he was. Felt a little weird like 'last night you were telling me how your dick loves me, and now we're listening to a report on sales figures'.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
