i just puked in front of my entire floor a girl on crutches asked iof i needed help hahaaa fuck ima damn fool
I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
Even my vagina gasped.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
Come over. We're getting stoned and watching DogTV
A fair warning: I don't think a cop will let you off the hook just because your birthday is on New Year's Eve
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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