Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
So another one of your girlfriends from middle school had a baby. Thank god you are gay, otherwise you would definitely be a dad by now.
Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
Everyone is all excited about the iPhone 7 being water resistant and I'm only concerned with whether or not it can be destroyed by salsa or cum
After round two, I told him he deserves an award. He bowed and did a princess wave WHILE his dick was still inside me.
Randomize
