I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
sellin beer in gallon jugs is both the best and worst idea ever. Im only gonna have one beer...but its gonna be 128 ounces.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just realized I'm still chewing the same gum post blow job. This Stride shit really has everlasting flavor. They should totally have an ad campaign based on blow jobs.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
He got in a shopping cart outside of home depot and insisted we push him down a flight of stairs. For science.
He wants to make me arch my back "like I'm having an exorcism". Not sure if I'm turned on or freaked out.
woke up on my floor using my jeans i wore out as a pillow
haha i wouldn't expect any less of you
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