That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I dont even remember coming home... All my stuff is strewn randomly around my apartment... And I woke up at 5 sitting propped up in my bed with just my arm in a shirt
its kind of scaring me that i am turned on by tom cruise in rock of ages
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
I thought my holiday spirit was gone this year until I got banged to Christmas music. It's back.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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